Lookin’ Where You Ain’t Supposed To

I have written some of these stories about others and some about myself.  The problem with this is most of the stories about me were highly embarrassing.  This isn’t a story about cowboy wrecks or horse training adventures.  Just one my wife told my kids about, they laughed for a while.  I was just embarrassed all over again!

My nephew, Clint, was the first grandchild, nephew and son in our family.  So he naturally got a lot of attention.  Felicia and I made several trips to Dallas to see him.  We told his parents it was to visit them, but let’s be honest here….it didn’t matter to us if they were there or not.  We came to see Clint.  It’s funny how that works, when my kids were born it didn’t matter if I was there or not, people came to see the babies.  We should have charged admission and had different costumes for them to wear….man, we missed an opportunity!  Could have paid for their college education!

On this particular trip (Clint was a few months old) we got there on Friday night and Clint was already in bed, so we had to visit with my brother and his wife.   They weren’t near as much fun as that kid.  The next morning I couldn’t wait to wake the boy, but they made me wait.  When he finally got up, I was able to get my hands on him.  Looking back, I don’t really know what was fun about him!  If he wasn’t cryin’ or a  poopin’, he was sleepin’!  But, I enjoyed him just the same!

Now to set the scene, Clint was the first baby I had ever been around.  So I was fascinated by everything about him (the cryin’ and poopon’ excluded).  Right after lunch my sister-in-law was sitting on the couch holding him while he slept….I thought…..she had a blanket over him and I just walked over and said, “let me see that boy!”  I jerked the blanket back and there they were……….He was laying there nursing!  There was no going back at that point!

I stood there for what seemed like hours, running through my head all the snappy one-liners that I could have said to cover my embarrassment.  But there was nothing there!  Just one red-faced cowboy and a new mother who was probably just as embarrassed!  After what seemed like 72 hours I turned and walked outside.  Ok, in all honesty….I might have sprinted…..

Now mind you, I have seen one before (a baby, that is)….just never like that before!  Which just goes to prove, if you can’t see where your  a goin’.  It’s best to slow down and review the situation before you just strap the saddle on and ride.  A wreck is a wreck no matter if it is a broncy colt or a breast feeding woman!

If had been a little more patient, I might not have found myself red-faced, trying to think of something to say that would make my “not stoppiin’ to think” actions disappear!

A person’s insight gives him patience, and his virtue is to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 19:11

Horse Tradin' Terms

These are too funny not to pass one...

Glossary of Horse Terms

Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners. 

Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .

A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.

Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.

Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.

Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.

Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.

Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles. (One of my favorites)
Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.

Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.

Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.

Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.

Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.

Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.

Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.

Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".

Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.

Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure. (Another favorite)
Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.

Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs. (is this one of mine?)
Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.

If you enjoyed these, check out Dan Roberts song "Horse Tradin".

If I was smarter, I could actually make the song play...but I ain't. 

I Used to Dress Myself

Just the other day I had a realization how much I have come to rely on my wife, when I had to ask my daughter if the pants I had matched my shirt.  It struck me then, I used to dress myself…..

In college I was a pretty snappy dresser, well as far as three pair of wranglers and four shirts is considered snappy.  I didn’t have a lot of choice, but I was happy with my limited choices.  You can hardly go wrong with wranglers, everything goes with them!  What others thought of my wardrobe?  I didn’t really care, I was a sharp dressed man and that’s how I choose to remember it!  I was happy with how I looked and that was all that mattered.

I don’t know when it happened; I started out selecting my own wardrobe.  Felicia would make a few pointers every now and then.  But I was in control of my clothing situation.  Over the last 22 years she has selected almost all of my clothes and has made lots of good choices.  I still wear wranglers, but there have been some changes.  It started when Wrangler came out with the Riata dress slacks, she got me one pair…they were black.  Then it was a khaki colored pair, if you had told me 20 years ago that khaki was a color….I’d have just thought you were making stuff up!  Khaki wasn’t even a word!  Then another color and some of those preppy cinch jeans (I had to start wearing those to work, didn’t want them to be the best looking pair in my closet!).   Before long, it was amazing how worldly my closet looked….well if you consider riatas and wranglers amazing.  It was amazing to me anyway.

I recently started a new job and after 22 years of wearing wranglers to work every day, I was told I had to dress business appropriate.  I thought I had been!?!?!?!  After all, my wranglers were starched! 

So we inventoried my closet and bought two more pair of riatas.  Now there are a couple shades of black and khaki, plus one pair of army green ones.  My wife has kept me color coordinated through the years and I never realized it was happening!  All of the sudden I am in a position of not knowing if something matches….I usually ask Felicia before she leaves for work…..to dress me for the day.

So there I was, walking down the hall in our house, asking my daughter if my shirt and slacks matched…..and it hit me….

I used to dress myself….

Maybe I am, and was not back then, such a snappy dresser?  Surely not……maybe I didn’t have a good sense of style back then….nah!  I dressed just like all the cowboys I knew, I was a snappy dresser back then! 

I just don’t have a clue about what goes together now…..