As I prepare for my yearly physical, I think back to my first time. By first time, I mean the first time I had the physical men get when they turn 40. For most men this is a painful degrading experience. Men, TAKE NOTE: You will get no sympathy from women. They start when they are about 35 and get another examine, get them to tell you about it sometime. Makes you shudder.
Mine was no less degrading and of course Felicia laughed and teased me about it for at least a month before it was to happen. Now it was not the first time, I have had a colonoscopy. The doctor told me I could do that one awake or asleep. I told him he was sticking a hose up my behind, put me to sleep. I don’t want to know anything about it.
I know that both examines are pretty important, colon cancer kills! Still I did not look forward to the visit. I have heard plenty of stories from friends about some of the reactions they have had, which I will not go into here. I just prayed mine would be somewhat less degrading.
My doctor looks like he is at least 12 or 13, we call him Doogie. Is it a sign of old age when everyone that is younger than you looks like they are 12? But he is a pretty good doctor, even if I have to go to downtown
to see him. AND on the plus side, he does have small fingers! Houston
So, the visit……started out by giving blood…simple, I’m a good bleeder. Next, go to the examine room and remove your clothes (Made me think about the first time I went to a massage therapist for my back…she said remove what you are comfortable with, so I took off my hat!). I’m now standing there in my underwear and hat (ha! Just kidding…I didn’t have underwear on!). He does all the normal things…feels my throat, listens to my heart, pokes around on my belly and “turn your head & cough”. I sure wanted to bolt and run so as to avoid the next part…
He lubricated his rubber glove….shudder….told me to bend over and “present my behind”. WHAT!?!!? I don’t even know what that means! Is there a proper way to bend over? Who decides what the proper way is? This seemed way too complicated for what was basically a palpation. I’ve seen livestock done; you just put on your plastic glove, lube and stick your arm in (not that I wanted him sticking his arm in me!). I’ve never once had to reposition a cow so that her behind is presented the proper way. After what was way to long of him trying to explain how I should bend over, I finally got it right. (There’s a statement I never thought I would ever write or say) He finally was satisfied and started the palpation (I say palpation because it sounds a whole lot more clinical than “he stuck his finger in”). The first thing he asked me was “can you feel this?’ Well duh! Yes I can feel it and I think you stuck your whole arm in! This seemed to take forever but could not have been more than 2 or 3 hours (well ok, maybe minutes), he gets done and sends me over to the Kleenex box and I hear him say “I wish they would come up with a better way to do this”. By the way, there is not enough Kleenex in the box to wipe the lube out of your crack. Once we’re done I mention to him how much I dislike him and I’m really having trouble looking him in the eye. He tells me “I don’t like it anymore than you do”. HA! You bend over next time…no wait, I don’t want to do that either!
After all this, I was given a clean bill of health and haven’t been palpitated in two years. Hopefully he doesn’t want to go there again this time! All I can say is, all you younger guys that might be laughing at this….your time is coming!
As a public service message: Get checked, I’ve heard colon cancer is the number one killer of men! That and I want to make sure I’m not the only one who was checked!