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Thursday, January 6, 2011

MD Anderson: A Certain Amount of Denial

Whenever I am told something I don’t like, there is a certain amount of denial involved for me.  Whether it is denial of the other person’s intelligence or a fuzzy denial of the problem, I get them both.  The question usually is:  how long before truth sets in?

January 3rd was a really tough day for us.  We got some news that was hard to deal with.  We talked about it most of the day.  We discussed what we thought might happen and how the insurance would be handled.  I think Felicia and I were both in denial about the seriousness of it. 

Later that night we were in our office and I brought Felicia her makeup remover and as she was taking her make up off….It became real to me.  That small simple moment has probably changed my life forever.  My beautiful bride looked at me with tears in her eyes and said she was really scared!  It broke my heart.  How could I protect her from something that I couldn’t even see?  I did the only thing I could at that moment and put my arms around her and hung on.  I made a promise to her, that I couldn’t go through it for her; but I would not let her go through alone. 

Even as I told my boss, on the 4th, that I would be in and out for the next week / month / year the words were hard to say. It is hard to even say the words now, three days later.   I can hardly say the words without getting choked up.

So here goes….malignant invasive ductal carcinoma…8 mm.  About the size of a pencil, at least that is what Felicia tells me.  I know that women survive breast cancer everyday, but this one is at home.  Scares me to death!

I will be with my bride every step of the way.  She is my focus until this thing is beat.  Nothing is unbeatable when you have God on your side.  Our Savior is Jesus Christ and we will hang our hats on that.  Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all this through him who gives me strength”.  We are counting of the prayers and support of our friends and families.

I write this from my point of view, but Felicia is the focus.  As I told God in my prayers last night, 20 years with a woman like her is not enough!   She is the definition of bodacious in my eyes!

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